Lost

It seems that when you think things are looking up and they are getting to be just a little better something else happens and you fall apart all over again. Like when I was finally getting over *Bob* (not his real name) and then our church erupted with issues that seemed impossible to get over, and even now while that is going on, yesterday we had to put my dog to sleep. He has been with us since I got him as a puppy at my birthday time, around Christmas. And now that he is gone I want to spend time with him. I have never lost anything close to me to death. I remember all of the times he would whine at night as a puppy and I would go sleep with him but I was always scared to sleep next to him because weinerdogs are so tiny and I was scared I'd lay on him. Then I remember fighting my dad over who was going to carry him around in our pockets. He was that small. And my little brother who is autistic doesn't really understand and he keeps telling me that Gus will be okay, he'll come back. He's just went to the doctor Anna. And I looked at Nate and broke, I told him that Gus Gus went to heaven. And he looked at me and said,"OH." Poor Nate. It kinda reminds me of the movie All Dogs Go To Heaven and I hope that this is the case. Even if we tried to find for ten years or longer another dog like Gus could never be produced. He was the easiest by far to potty-train, and he loved to just sit around and sleep. Not much of a cuddler though he did like attention via FOOD. He was really smart and we have so many memories of him and his antics, as a puppy and an old man. To the end he was a prince. I couldn't go to the vet to put him down because I am way emotional and unable to let go. My dad told me that he was very good. They gave the shot to put him to sleep then they administered the shot that stopped his heart. Gus just rolled over on his back like he always did and went to sleep with grace. And the vet warned them that the shot that stopped the heart sometimes caused the bladders and bowels to release, Gus' didn't. He just slept. Dad brought him home and we are going to bury him here with the other dogs. My dad's dog as a younger man and my aunt's dog as a younger woman.
Now we have to cope without him and it is hard. We have other weinerdogs that come in the house and the *tap tap* of their feet on the wood floors reminds me of Gus and I have yet to not look to see if it is him that is coming into the kitchen, whining for someone to throw him some cheese. He was so funny, he could hear the knife cut the cheese and he'd come running. And I have yet to come into the house with all of the dogs running into the kitchen to see who it is and look amongst them and not see Gus, I see him even tho I know he is not there, I just expect him to be there, and I know what expectations do to you. One of my favorite memories of him is him sleeping and when he'd fart he'd bark at himself. He was so funny! He was so picky too. He only liked Heidi, one of the other dogs. They would run all over the place chasing each other and wrestling, up and down the couches, their paws gripping the carpet and growling at each other. She was the only one he'd play with. I remember trying to teach him to do tricks and he'd do it just long enough to get his cheese. So many christmas times and years of him never being anywhere else. Just a week ago he was fine, he was wrestling with Heidi and begging for food. He pinched a nerve in his back and within four days he was almost completely paralyzed from the middle of his spine back. He did really good with the pain tho.
It is just so strange to me that one day everything can be fine and the next it is all different and upside down. And I can remember him so vividly, I don't want to forget anything, but I know that time will allow for some of these things about him that I hold tight to slip away. I wish he would have got to stick around a little longer. He was 9 years old. I love you Gus Gus.