Mixed Emotions

Today Dustin and I went to see the babies. We were just going to go and drop off the million bottles of milk that I have pumped but we ended up staying for feeding and I got to nurse Jacob. It was wonderful. I now remember how it is painful but so completely worth it. Dustin didn't really want to go because each of the boys have been having separate health issues and it makes him stressed to see them like that. But I told him he had to come because our babies need  even more when they are not well. He was glad I got him to go with me because it was a huge relief to just be able to see them and be around them for a couple hours. The hospital does a good job of making it all very personal. It still isn't home though and it is killing us to be away from them. I would be out there all day everyday but I have Boston to take care of as well. I love having three boys but already I am feeling the struggle of trying to be there for all three of them. Physically I can't at this point in time because I have Boston at home and the boys are all the way in Portland. By the time Dustin gets home from work and gets outside chores done it is late and I could run out to the hospital by myself but then I wouldn't be coming home until late at night and missing time with my husband. But the guilt I feel for not being a part of Jacob and Nathaniel's everyday life is extremely difficult to cope with. When Boston and I are doing our thing I don't think about it a ton because I don't have time to but when I get these few minutes alone to think and have time to myself it hits me like a ton of bricks. It kills me that I can't wake up and pick them up and hold them and know that everything is going to be okay. It kills me that they are not home with us but are in a hospital far away and with people who don't love them like Dustin and I do. I feel so inadequate as a mother to them. I failed in some way. They shouldn't have to go through this, they should just be home with us. Please God, help make Jacob and Nathaniel strong and healthy enough to come home and be with us. We need them as much as they need us. If it is your will please heal them and allow us to be united as a family. 

Jacob is doing well the majority of the time. He as spells where his heart rate dips but he is able o recover on his own and continue on. The doctor told us today that he has a bump on his back that they are concerned about. It could be something that will affect his spinal cord later in life. They are going to do an ultrasound on it tomorrow. If it seems to be nothing than we will just continue to watch it as he gets older. If it is something that concerns the doctors further than in 6 months we will have it checked by a neurologist and possibly have to have it removed. Other than that he is just growing and doing great. Today I got to nurse him and it was so wonderful to see him  awake and alert. He was looking all around and did good for only his second time nursing. The nurse who was with them today said that that was the most awake she had seen him ever which made Dustin and I feel great!

Nathaniel has a urine infection that he is still getting anti-biotics for. He was having apnea spells more frequently and that is why they began running tests just to see if there was an underlying issue. Even thought they have him on the meds for his infection he is still having the episodes and they seem to have gotten worse. He is not able to recover on his own and his heart rate dips but also he stops breathing. The nurse has to help him by stimulating him with rubbing his chest or back and the last day or so they have had to use oxygen to help him get going again. They decided to run more tests to see if there is anything further happening that we need to be aware of. He looks a lot more pale than Jake does. He is a little anemic. He wasn't awake at all for us today but that's okay cause he needs his rest. We didn't get to nurse him cause he just needs to focus on getting better. They had to repeat the blood tests today because the blood they took from him yesterday clotted so they were unable to use it. He looks so little and helpless. I pray that God heals him and that we get to take him home. I know that there are a lot of other babies that are more sick than he is but for us it is so scary for this kind of stuff to happen. And to top it off we are not able to be there as long or as often as we would like to be. This part of life is hard and it makes me feel all sorts of things. 

I am too mentally wiped out to divulge my feelings at this point and frankly I don;t think that I have the strength to try to sift through how I feel. And I am a little scared to admit how truly afraid I am for the twins but for Nathaniel especially. 

Also, side-note, I took Boston to the urologist because he has an undescended testicle. IT was a good appointment but little Bub will have to have surgery this summer. They have to go in and see if they can get it to come down and if it is good or not. They may have to remove it. We'll see. I pray that God would help us through all this stuff we are going through. I pray that he will give Dustin and I strength and courage to do what is needed and to find comfort in Jesus. We know that's where it is at, that is where we need to focus. We know that Jesus will be with us each step of the way and if we can look to Him through it all it may be a little easier to take. Jesus, help Dustin be strong. I know he struggles with seeing his boys struggle. I know how he stresses when he feels he needs to be strong because he is the daddy and husband but I pray that you would allow me to help reliever some of that in him. Even though he is the daddy he doesn't need to be so guarded and tough on the outside when the inside of him is hurting so bad. I pray that you would give me the strength to be there for him and to be strong for him and myself and Boston. I know we can help each other. Please help us to always look to you for answers and guidance. And I pray that you would be with all three of our boys as they grow. Please heal Jake and Nate. Please let them come home to us.