No control

I have this feeling. It makes me feel so lost and worthless. By the way, I am having a pity party for myself right now. Unfortunately, if you are reading this, you will be sucked in to said party and might become annoyed. I warned you.

Anyway, I have just been feeling so out of control with everything in my life. I know that I am not in control, our Lord is, but I also know that that doesn't always stop me from trying to control my life. If I were s different person I may be ale to let go and trust that God will provide. I know He will but I just have a lot of trouble letting go.

Things I have no control over? My feelings, emotions, my kids, my education. To name just a few. I am really emotional and have always been. The problem with it is it makes me very unstable for my family. My poor husband has no idea what to do with me. I feel terrible for ll he has to go through with me. I know it wears him out. I have no control over my kids. Not in the common way, I can discipline them and guide them to make wise decisions but I feel like I have no control over them due to circumstances we have put ourselves in. There is someone in our life that makes me feel like I don't do enough for them. This person kind of takes over things that I am doing and does them the way that they think it needs to be done. This person, whom we care for a lot, is stepping on my toes as a mother. And I have no way of communicating that to this person without causing some waves. I don't want waves, I am over the high school drama stuff. I have enough drama in my life without creating any. With my education, there is only so much I can study and try to learn things. Other than that it is out of my hands. It is crazy. I can't talk a professor into a better grade. I can't convince them that I know the material if I fail a test.

On a lighter note. We went outside tonight to play on the grass. Both of the twins ate some grass. Boston rode his bike on the sidewalk. I studied Biology and Dustin read his sports magazines. It was wonderful. We got to just be the 5 (well 6) of us. There are less and less times that that gets to happen now a days.

I really want to get plugged back in to a church family. I know that a lot of what is going on in our life is because we are not actively walking with Jesus. I miss Him. I know He doesn't go away or leave me but, I have left Him. We as a family need to be closer to Him. I want my kids to know Him.